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Waiheke
Island, the jewel of the Gulf.
You have
not seen New Zealand until you have seen Waiheke Island...The best place
to live 2010.
By Olivier Duhamel
When "Waihetians"
welcome visitors to their magical Island, they often say "Welcome to
paradise". There is a sign when you get off the ferry that says
"slow down, you are here". Waiheke island is one of these few places in
the world blessed with a special character, an aura of uniqueness...
However, locals are conscious that masses of visitors could
overwhelm the appeal and special character of this unique land....
We are a handful of privileged souls and we want to to keep the
secret to ourselves. So when people ask me about Waiheke this is what I
tell them...
Waiheke is an
island lying about 20 nautical miles from Auckland in the Hauraki gulf.
(Auckland is a very boring city on all accounts.)
Surprisingly Waiheke is referred to as the “jewel of the gulf” but I really wonder
why.
Environment and architecture.
The Island itself is unattractive and boring. Early colonists and
farmers have stripped it bare of its forest making for a barren and plain
landscape. The few trees left have become tourist curiosities and what
is being replanted are completely out of character olive trees.
One coast is exposed to the almost constant battering of strong westerly
winds making it very inhospitable, the sheltered coast is littered with
plain little holiday houses called “baches” and as many pompous and
pretentious Tuscan style villas as genuine as a movie set. Waiheke
also sports some of the ugliest examples of third Reich blockhaus
architecture posing as trendy homes.
Beaches.
With the exception of a few sandy beaches polluted by hundreds of
yachties, the shores are generally rocky and uninviting. Most beaches
are tidal beaches which means that at high tide there is no beach and at
low tide there is no water. Most of the year, the water is generally far
too cold to swim anyway. Onetangi is one very nice beach, unfortunately
authorities have allowed the beach front to be build up with holiday
houses of rather mediocre architectural merit on what should have been a public reserve and have even build a
road right on the sand dunes, as close as possible to the high water
mark, ruining it for all and forever.
People.
The population is fairly homogenous and consists of white Caucasians.
You see none of the cosmopolitan and colorful population of Auckland.
We, locals, are generally uneducated, poor and rude, grumpy old hippies,
frustrated solo mums, failed artists, retired school teachers, gay and
lesbians in hiding, European escapists and a handful of somber looking
South Americans accepting underpaid work in the various drinking holes
around the Island.
Attractions.
Restaurants are few and either super expensive or really bad, often
both. Other attractions include an old concrete tunnel that you can
visit if you bring your own torch; it’s only good point is that
admission is free. Other than that there is not much to do on this
Island. The highlight of a stay on Waiheke generally consists of a visit to the
Saturday community market where one can see a selection of local crafts
such as feijoa preserves and a fascinating assortment of old electric
frying pans and third hand items of clothing.
Island art.
Real
estate.
Oneroa, the main village is build over a not too unattractive beach but
a row of small shops and real estate offices almost completely blocks the view. It must be said that
real estate is a very lively business on Waiheke. This is because of the
large turnover of residents. Many people buy on the Island hoping to
enjoy Island life while retaining an Auckland income but after a couple
of years they realise that Island life is limited to getting drunk or
stoned and
that the daily commute to Auckland is both expensive and tedious. They
sell and vacate to make room for the next round of naive city dwellers
to try the experiment. A good agent can sale the same place every couple
of years a make a decent living with only a small list of properties.
Transport.
One of the good points of Waiheke Island is its road network. Narrow,
winding, potholed roads means that people drive slowly, large and
noisy vehicles are a liability. Pedestrians, cyclists, dogs and little girl on
their pony can safely share the roads with a very low car traffic.
Unfortunately, Auckland City Council, being wheelie, wheelie stupid, is
spending vast amount of ratepayers money to "make our roads safer"
destroying the Island's character in the process. This means wider,
straighter and flatter roads where more, bigger cars can now drive
faster and as you know, "the faster you go, the bigger the mess."
Little girls on their pony must get off the roads to make room for
building contractors enormous machineries and for their master's shiny 4WL.
Dogs are fiercely hunted off the roads by council's officers. Yellow
dogs are cooked and eaten, black dogs are not. Such are
the ways of the south pacific.
Tourism.
Despite all this, Waiheke inexplicably attracts hordes of tourists
destroying what peace the locals may enjoy. Tourists are clumsy, ridiculous with their white hairy legs sticking out of brand new shorts,
and noisy and leave behind them a trail of litter. They tour the island
in huge buses burning more diesel than Kyoto would allow. Most come to
Waiheke to get seriously drunk. Indeed, the Island prides itself on producing
some of the priciest and most unpalatable wine you’ll ever come across,
yet hordes of unsophisticated Aucklanders visit many of the fake
Mediterranean wineries to get seriously intoxicated at the numerous
large scale piss up disguised as Jazz festivals, Wine festivals,
Weddings, Corporate functions and other grand opportunities to over
consume alcohol. You could call Waiheke “the Island of booze ” rather
than “the jewel of the gulf”.
What to
do on Waiheke?
If you are unfortunate enough to finding yourself stranded on this
forsaken Island for any length of time, the best thing to do is to make a booking with
Bodyscape
(www.bodyscape.net.nz) and have a body casting done. As souvenir goes, it easily
beats bringing back an overpriced bottle of plonk or a cheap and nasty sunburn...
10 October 2008 - ©Olivier
Duhamel - 2008-2010
About the author.
Olivier Duhamel is a New Zealand sculptor specialising in
bronze figurines. He is also the name behind the Bodyscape life
casting studio and the author of the famous and very respectable “Body
casting manual” published on
www.bodyscape.net.nz.
Olivier first fell in love with Waiheke island in 1987 and moved there
permanently with his family in 2002. This article can be reproduced freely in its
entirety on the condition that it is not modified, that a link to
www.bodyscape.net.nz is
included and that this last
paragraph is also included. Please ask for permission first. *
Most of
my numerous Waiheke friends are young North or South Americans gay
artists who own or cook in restaurants or wine yards or are old retired
school teachers driving tourist buses or shiny 4WD or selling real estate and live in
Mediterranean style homes where they make wine which we sip lazily
together in
the shade of lovely olive trees... |
Bodyscape
